2 Comments

To T. Hilts Essay:

Right off the bat I already like the place you chose. Being active is a great way to stay in shape, but also allows you to feel powerful in your own body. Makes you feel like you are in charge. But what I notice about your paper is that there are a lot of grammatical errors. Some errors you can get away with like the comma before the word “but” while other you cannot. Go through and read you paper again, slowly, that will help you see what is written in the essay and not what you see in your head. When writing a draft it is okay to make those mistakes as long as they are corrected by the time you turn in the assignment.

For the most part I liked how you wrote it. You told me what it was like to be the spectator, the athlete, and the coach. You told me what it was like when there wasn’t a sporting event and what can be done there. Being outdoors is a great place to study and do many other things. You used two different lenses and you used them accurately, but you should probably elaborate more on the two lenses. Where you mentioned them is where you should add a little more oomph to the paper. You have the lenses, but it would really help if you added more analysis to the lenses. That is the main thing, so if you added more to it I’m sure you will get a high grade.

Your essay made me want to go there, and that is what you want your paper to do. You described it during a game, outside of a game night, and just as a leisurely day. You have a strong paper, all you have to do is just add the lens analysis and it will make it even better.

NICE JOB!

To S. Weston’s Essay:

I love your introduction. It brings a personal quality to the paper and I enjoyed the little vignette about your childhood.  You grab the readers and make them want to read this paper. You have a knack for writing my dear sir. It is very imaginative and creative. The fact that you chose this place over a different place shows how much talent you have with writing. Being able to pick a place like this and make it fun to read about is a gift. I read this as if I were reading one of my leisurely books and that’s saying something because a book or in this case an essay has to grab my attention or else it is hard to get into and continue to read it and like it, but yours certainly did. Now as for the other portion of the writing assignment, you didn’t mention any of the authors. In order to get a full grade you need to at least name one of the authors that you are using to write your lens. In order to make your paper even better, you need to infuse your knowledge and what you see of the laundry room through the lens of an author that we read throughout class and explain why you chose that author. By picking an author or several authors, you are not only going to paper that much stronger, but you are going to get an even better grade. And who doesn’t want that. For the most part I really can’t say anything bad about your essay, other than that one factor missing, you have a well organized, well thought out, and interesting paper.